My Top 20 Songs of 2011 #15: Nicola Roberts – ‘Beat Of My Drum’

Pop music in 2011, eh? What’s happened to it this year? Well, obviously Robyn’s not made an album, which immediately makes it 300% worse, but let’s look at the rest of what’s out there.

  • Drake – did he accidently release a version of the album where he gave a child with a head injury the chance to write the lyrics?
  • Ed Sheeran – a rapping Jack Johnson, he is basically a one-man hate crime against ears.
  • Adele, Someone Like You is the biggest yawnathon ever written by a mad stalker.
  • Katy B, she’s just a shit Ciara.
  • One Direction (aka Five Erections), the only vaguely successful recent X-Factor stars, couldn’t debut at number one in the singles or album charts, despite consistent plugs on X-Factor and tabloid sexploits. Why? Because they are an overhyped embarrassment to the history of boy bands. The Backstreet Boys have released audible toxic events from their bottoms that are more interesting than anything One Direction have released.
  • Justin Bieber – a human sausage sack filled to the brim with bum-wiffle.

Who to blame? Well, there are so many people, but mostly I blame the Black Eyed Peas and Simon Cowell – look how shit they’ve made everything. Will.I.Am. or “William” as he’s known to his friend/Mum, is a relentlessly happy bacon-flange of a human being and probably the shittest producer ever. My issues with him and his peas are vast, but can be summed up in examining one lyric from ‘My Humps’ (a song in which the protagonist boasts about how she has humps and lumps – WHY IS NO-ONE TAKING HER TO SEE A DOCTOR?!). Anyway, the lyric mentions that William is hanging out with “all the girls down at the disco”. William is 36 years old – he should be seeing WOMEN at BARS. Simon Cowell is a thundering cockhamper. He’s a black-hole of a human being, sucking out the interesting from pop music like a huge slimy joyfunnel.

I also blame William and Simon for what they did to Girls Aloud. Girls Aloud were the greatest pop group on the planet. Fact. Then, along come William and Simon, and off goes Cheryl to L.A. to make incredibly BORING songs. Nadine Coyle released an album so boring that it is actually banned in 17 countries due to it being the aural equivalent of taking a kilo of rhino tranquiliser. The other two are probably sat in a dark room somewhere vomiting onto a Cheryl Cole poster.

All of which brings me to Nicola Roberts, who was always the best member of Girls Aloud by a million miles. She was mouthy, talented and loved amazing pop music. Oh, she was also ginger. Which of course made her the “minger” in Girls Aloud. She had committed an awful crime in the eyes of men who liked to leer at, but not listen to Girls Aloud, because they didn’t feel adequate enough in the penile area to enjoy their music. “Wwwrrrrooooaarrrr”, they might say, “look at racist Cheryl’s mammary glands… rrrrrrwwwwwrraaaoooorrrr”, they would add, sexistly.

Anyway, Nicola has released an album this year. It is flawed, but it’s so much more brilliant that most of the other big selling stuff out there that it’s actually painful. The best thing on it is the Diplo-produced “Beat Of My Drum”. It’s a dirty, bratty, slightly weird bundle of fun and it towers above almost every other pop song this year.

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One Response to “My Top 20 Songs of 2011 #15: Nicola Roberts – ‘Beat Of My Drum’”

  1. Robin Says:

    Agreed, this is the best solo GA song, and a good pop song in general.

    However, Nicola Roberts is not the minger because she has red hair, or because men are horrible.

    She is the minger because she looks like Paul O’Grady.

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