Inane Thoughts: Diary of a Frustrated Writer

If I was writing my blog on the same basis as the absurd popular children’s poem, then Friday’s blog would be loving and giving. Here is the popular poem for those not au fait with it:

Monday’s child is fair of face,

Tuesday’s child is full of grace,

Wednesday’s child is full of woe,

Thursday’s child has far to go,

Friday’s child is loving and giving,

Saturday’s child works hard for a living,

But the child who is born on the Sabbath Day,

Is bonny and blithe and good and gay.

The popular children’s poem was not about blogs, but about how the day of the week in which you were born would somehow imbue you with certain qualities. Thursday’s child didn’t come off too well in this, supposedly having “far to go”, which whether taken literally or metaphorically is surely not a good thing. I don’t think a new mother would appreciate being told something along the lines of: “Congratulations! When was he/she born? Thursday? Hmm, well, according to the popular poem, which is definitely always right, then your child will either, if taken literally, be travelling a very long way; probably making them a soldier or perhaps a pirate or fugitive, or, if taken metaphorically, they will probably turn out to be a little bit of a dunce.” You’d have to hope this wasn’t a mother in the throes of post-natal depression, or it may end in suicide or infanticide, which unless you hated said mother or were an extreme paedophobe, this would not be desirable.

I am a Wednesday’s child and am therefore “full of woe”. Again, this is not one to be telling the mother just after she has given birth: “Congratulations Mrs Brown, you’ve given birth to a 6 lb 8 oz Morrissey”. Although, in fairness, if I were a mother, I would bloody love this. There aren’t enough sighing, swooning children around these days.

On the whole, however, the poem presents the mother with a set of positive qualities for her new born child, such as “loving”, “giving”, or “full of grace”. It does also mention the more shallow quality of “fair of face”, though an alternative reading could be that all children born on Mondays are Caucasian. This seems unlikely. What it doesn’t really offer are the many qualities that you tend to actually find in rather a lot of people. It doesn’t, for instance, include that your child might be “full of hubris”, “impatient”, “racist”, “morbidly obese”, “stubborn”, “sexist”, or “unreasonable in the face of overwhelming scientific evidence”. It may not have been such a popular poem had any of these qualities been chosen for the poem.

However, I am not one to shirk from a misanthropic challenge and have produced my own alternative version of the little ditty. Perhaps this could be read to mothers immediately after the first one, although this really would be a kick in the teeth for the mothers of Wednesday’s and Thursday’s children. Anyway, here goes:

Monday’s child is fat of face,

Tuesday’s child with Rohypnol will lace,

Wednesday’s child is full of hubris,

Thursday’s child is defined by blandness,

Friday’s child is fussy and impatient,

Saturday’s child is a little bit racist,

But the child who is born on the Sabbath Day,

Has opinions from which the Daily Mail won’t stray.

I don’t think it’ll catch on. I’m not even sure it scans. Friday afternoon is not the right time for shit poetry.

On that note, I don’t think I can flog this dead horse any further, although I’m sure someone of the wit and intelligence of a Jim Davidson would get something out of the “good and gay” line. However, that would require him to have knowledge of what the word “Sabbath” means, which may be a step too far for Davidson. I bet he was born on a Thursday.

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